I used to be able to re-write my notes by hand without any problem. Now, I can barely hold my pencil for an hour or two without my hands starting to shake like crazy. Even now, I am having trouble keeping my hands still long enough to press the keys to type. I have been trying to keep my mind off the possibility that my diagnosis was accurate, yet my ability to ignore the increase in symptoms is growing more difficult.
When I was 21 I started to notice that my hands were shaking more than the usual caffeine jitters. The breaking point was the moment that I was unable to hold a bowl in my hands because they were shaking too much. Also, I started to experience strange sensations in my arms and legs that would last for an hour or more. I decided that something was not right and went to the doctor. He asked me a few questions and did a couple of tests. Then, he suggested I go to a neurologist. The neurologist also performed a few tests and asked questions. As she scribbled in her manila envelope, she looked up briefly and stated in the coldest voice I’ve ever heard, “You have early onset-MS. I’ll schedule an MRI to check for lesions. I’m putting you on a dose of prednisone to stop the severity of the shaking.” I walked out of the examination room in a daze. I was by myself. Do I call home? What do I even say? Was it really even a diagnosis?
I did the MRI. Scheduled a follow-up with the neurologist. The neurologist canceled. I never heard the results.
I made the conscious decision that I did not want to know because it would control my life. To this point, I have been able to control my symptoms by using a nutritional shake; however, due to my schedule I have been unable to keep up with the three shakes a day it takes to maintain my health.
I do not know what to do. I am struggling each day to place my faith in God. He controls my path and only He knows what lies ahead. Nonetheless, I cannot help but be less than optimistic concerning my prognosis. I am 24 years old. I have my whole life ahead of me. How am I supposed to be okay with an uncertain future? How am I supposed to live each day not knowing what is going to happen to me– to my body? Will it progress? What if it isn’t even MS? What if it is something else, maybe something more manageable? Do I even want to know?
I have learned how to deal with my endometriosis. The constant pain has been manageable. I have learned how to tailor my activities and work around the issues that it causes; but, can I handle another health issue being added to the routine? My hands are uncontrollable… I want to be able to understand what is happening. I want to be able to control it. For now, though, I must turn to God. He has it under control.
Let it be.
